


Sticks and Stones (may break my Bones)

by amerasu1013 (amerasu_1013)



Series: Football One-shots [9]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe, Archaeology, Crack, Crack Horror, Gen, I tagged this Serard but it's complicated, M/M, Other, there is no appropriate tag for the category either
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:08:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23568109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amerasu_1013/pseuds/amerasu1013
Summary: The crack archaeology AU in which Geri wants to be Indiana Jones and sort of falls in love with a skeleton.
Relationships: Gerard Piqué/Sergio Ramos, Lionel Messi & Gerard Piqué
Series: Football One-shots [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1514957
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Have some crack as a distraction in these less than easy days. Stay safe, everybody, all the best wishes for you and yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People, I couldn't help it. Shamelessly self-indulgent archaeology AU, I really couldn't help it. It turned out to be crack and a bit of horror, couldn't help that either. And there need to be some warnings:  
> 1\. This is crack. This is supposed to be amusing (at least to me it is), but I do get that some might be squeamish in regards to jokes about digging up human remains or carrying around skulls and so on and might not enjoy reading about it either. If you think you fall into this category, maybe don't read this story. There are human bones in here and people are handling them, not always with the appropriate respect.  
> 2\. I tagged this Serard and put Sergio as a character, but it's... not that straight-forward. The summary already says it: Geri's an archaeologist and he unearths a skeleton he then calls Sergio. And then he apparently goes slightly mad... it'll all make sense when you read it??? My brain is weird, but there you go.  
> 3\. I'm an archaeologist, so there are some technical terms in here that I really couldn't avoid. I explain them in the notes at the bottom of each chapter, just in case. I have to say though that I've had to look up the English terms (I'm German) and am not entirely sure I always found the exactly correct ones.
> 
> This being said, please enjoy. And, as usual, many thanks to [zilldk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zilldk/pseuds/zilldk), who helped me fix this chaos till the wee hours of morning. You rock, darling!!

“This dig,” Geri says, surveying his excavation site, cotton shirt as white as a freshly-washed dove and fedora at a jaunty angle, “is going to make me _famous_.”

Leo shields his eyes against the glare of the sun reflecting off Geri’s shirt and scowls up at him. “Did you have to climb all the way to the top of this mountain of dirt just to tell us that?”

“It’s a _commando hill_.” Geri says happily and puts his hands on his hips. “And I can’t hear you over all your jealousy anyway.”

Leo rolls his eyes. “I guess I need to tell the others to put more dirt on your commando hill so it’ll match your ego.”

“You’re just jealous I get to lead this dig and you don’t!” Geri points out cheerfully and steps towards the edge of his commando hill to slide majestically down its side. A small avalanche of dirt follows him down and covers parts of a wall that has just been excavated, several students groan in annoyance, but all Geri hears is the cheering of an adoring crowd. “I’m going to find something _awesome_ , you’ll see.”

“Sure.” Leo mutters and picks up the fedora Geri lost on his tumble, er, _majestic slide_ down the hill. “For example ever new ways to inflate your own ego.”

Geri ignores him - jealousy makes Leo petty. Instead he scowls at the wall buried in parts of his commando hill. “This area was supposed to be photographed half an hour ago. How is it not clean yet?”

The students glare at him, at the commando hill, then back at Geri. Leo pinches the bridge of his nose, but Geri doesn’t notice either. “Work faster!” He orders and pushes his fedora to an even jauntier angle. “I want this quadrant documented before lunch.”

He turns to walk away, behind his back Leo gestures apologetically at the students, then hastens to catch up to Geri, who’s whistling something that lacks both rhythm and melody. “Why they gave you this dig I will never understand. It must be all the recent staff changes in the faculty - or they’ve all gone and lost their marbles. Why the fedora anyway?”

Geri stops and stares at Leo. “Hello, Indiana Jones?! The fedora is a _must_. I should get a satchel too, now that I think about it…”

Leo stares back at him. “You are aware that Indiana Jones is basically a tomb raider, right?”

Geri’s eyes widen. “Oh man, of course! Tomb Raider! I should get some _guns_!”

Leo sighs.

***

“Have you seen my fedora?” Geri pokes his head into the container serving as a temporary excavation office where Leo is slaving away, trying to stay on top of the documentation. “I put it down earlier ‘cause it was making my hair look awful and now I can’t find it anymore.”

Leo looks up from where he’s sorting through this morning’s photographs. “Huh? Oh, right, that horrible thing. No, I haven’t seen it since after lunch.”

When it was being carefully buried inside a small grave dug by the students who had to clean a certain wall three times today - once after they found it, the second time after Geri buried it again, and a third time when he walked all over it with muddy shoes just as it was clean enough to be photographed. Messi ponders for a guilty second if he should tell Geri where the hat ended up, but decides against it. If you mess up a feature that has just been cleaned, you get punished. Besides, the grave’s profiles were very neat and vertical, the students should be proud of themselves. Plus, the fedora is stupid.

“Damn.” Geri mutters. “First the university tells me I’m not allowed to get guns and now this. I hate this dig. We better find something cool soon.”

“Well.” Leo says, feeling the urge to cheer his friend up a little. Geri is a moron and should never have become site director, but he’s been Leo’s friend ever since that first day at uni where Ronaldo made fun of Leo’s beard. “We found some graves while you were off lying I mean _talking_ to the press about how important this site is. That’s pretty cool?”

“Not that cool.” Geri pouts. “We’re right next to a church, of course there’s graves here.”

Leo sits back and crosses his arms smugly. “Not graves of people with their heads cut off and giant pikes through their chests.”

Geri’s mouth drops open in shock - and the next thing Leo knows is he’s being dragged from his chair by an over-excited Geri who wants to see the dead people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The basics:  
> \- feature: a historic structure in the ground that’s made/caused by humans, like a pit, a wall, an old surface… (also used is “layer” for, well, layers of earth, like earth that was filled in to level an area, dirt that collected on an old floor over time...)  
> \- planum: the bird’s eye view, the horizontal plane of a quadrant or dig site etc.  
> \- profile (or cut): the vertical cut through a feature or the “walls” of a trench where you can see the vertical cut through several layers or features  
> \- site director: the person in charge of a particular dig
> 
> I can attest to the fact that archeologists are indeed sometimes a bit crazy. But this is all crack and even if I put some actual factual things in here (I couldn’t help it), this is NOT how a proper excavation would go… While we’re on the subject: Lara Croft and Indiana Jones are fun and all, but… yeah no, not real life. She’s more a tomb raider (duh, though I guess us archaeologists are allowed to rob graves as long as we document everything and don’t keep any bones for ourselves. Archaeology is grave robbing with a license!) and he uses, shall we say, rather unconventional methods. “Grab it and run” is NOT archaeology, as zilldk so wonderfully put it… I also swear I have never used a gun and also never ran away from any rolling boulders during all my years on excavations… ;)  
> And if you ever are on an excavation site: do NOT walk around on freshly cleaned features. In uni that cost you at least a case of beer for the poor people who had to clean them again and get rid of all the footprints...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder: warning about people handling human bones in a... slightly less than respectful manner.

“ _Revenants_.” Geri sighs happily and surveys the freshly excavated burials. “Undead vampire zombie people. Lots and lots of them.”

A small gaggle of students is standing nearby, several of them making disgusted grimaces at Geri cradling several skulls in his arms. Leo crosses his arms, as always a bit uncomfortable when people just grab human bones like that. “Can’t you at least wear gloves?”

“Why?” Geri looks at one of the skulls. Its empty eye sockets look back accusingly. “They’re already dead, what do they care if I touch them?”

“Still.” Leo says and rolls his eyes meaningfully to the side, where some of the students look more than vaguely disgusted now. “Just… give them back.”

“Alright, alright.” Geri pouts, but hands the skulls over one by one so the students can put them back where they belong - between the feet of their former owners. “So many of them though. Heads cut off, pikes through the heart, crushed by giant stones, who knows if they were even _dead_ when all this happened! Look, that one over there looks like he had his hands raised to defend himself! And that one is grabbing the pike! Man, they must still have been alive, right? So much horror and pain…” Geri’s eyes glint happily as he imagines the suffering. “It’s so _awesome_.”

One of the students starts making retching noises. Geri doesn’t seem to hear it. Instead he walks closer to a burial that’s only been partially excavated. The skeleton within is covered by several large stones on his chest and stomach area, only the head and shoulder region as well as the lower legs are visible. The feet seem to be positioned in a way that suggests they were tied together - and there is a big-ass nail driven through them too. Geri stares down at the skeleton with the expression of a toddler looking at ice cream. “Man, they really didn’t want this one to get up again, did they?”

Leo walks closer to join him. “Looks like it. Ansu even found some rope pieces around the neck. Someone wanted to make extra sure this guy didn’t come back from the grave.”

Geri rubs his hands. “Excellent. Told you this dig was gonna make me famous! _Revenants…_ oh, the press is gonna lap this up!” The grin on his face is slightly unsettling. As is the fact that Geri holds out a commanding hand. “Someone get me my tools!”

A student timidly puts a brush into Geri’s hand, who instantly scowls and throws the brush on the ground. “No, stupid, my proper tools!” He is handed a pickaxe and smiles happily. “That’s more like it. Now, let’s get these stones off this poor guy.”

“Wait!” Leo rapidly says and reaches out a hand to stop Geri. “We can’t do that!”

Geri laughs at him. “What, do you think he’s really gonna come back?”

Leo rolls his eyes. “No, but we haven’t documented the planum with the stones on top yet. Let’s do that first, hm? Do it properly? You know, like archaeologists and not like… tomb raiders?”

Geri makes a face. “Spoilsport. I knew I should have gotten those guns…”

Leo just sighs.

***

“Oh, you’re just so pretty, aren’t you?” Geri coos and lovingly brushes dirt from a jawbone. “Look at you, nice eyebrow ridges - and you still have all your teeth. Died young, huh? And look at your bone structure, man, I can see you were _ripped_ when you were alive… Now, me personally, I’m not a particular fan of how white your bones are, but that’s just me, see, I’m a Barcelona fan through and through. Meanwhile you’re a _blanco_!”

Geri laughs heartily at his own joke. The skull he’s cleaning is grinning back at him. “I know, I’m hilarious, right? I’m Geri, by the way. And you’re the most exciting guy I have ever found. You were like triple-killed, that’s _special_.”

He contemplates the little sign that’s sticking in the soil next to the skeleton. It has the number of the quadrant on it and the number of the features in this particular burial. Feature 3 for the burial pit, Feature 4 for the skeleton.

“That’s a stupid name for you, isn’t it? Feature 4.” Geri brushes dirt off a humerus and frowns in contemplation. “You deserve a better name, don’t you? I’m going to call you… Sergio. Yes, that’s good. Sergio. Nice to meet you. You’re going to make me _famous_! You and me and the press… the university won’t have a choice but to make me president!”

He grins down at his skeleton. “You’ll see, Sergio, it’ll be awesome. Now, let’s find all your fingers, shall we?”

Geri hums happily as he sets about locating all the tiny finger bones around the giant nail that’s pinning Sergio’s hand to his grave. It’s easier than expected - Geri barely has to brush any dirt aside and there they already are. Almost as if Sergio was reaching for Geri, right? Aww, that’s so nice, Geri thinks. Sergio wants Geri to be famous too!

“Thanks, buddy!” Geri says and grins at the skeleton.

The skull grins back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Revenants: Basically the undead. People believed to figuratively or literally come back from the grave to harm the living. There were various reasons someone might have become a revenant (in German “Wiedergänger” = one who walks again), at risk were for example village outcasts who didn't fit in with the "normal people", someone who was thought to be cursed, people believed to be dealing in magic or in league with the devil or someone whose death happened in an unnatural way (like murder).  
> There were various ways to deal with a revenant. The revenants who were thought to harm the living from the grave could be kept in check by putting a stone or a piece of cloth in their mouth so they would suck on that instead of sucking the energy from the living. Other revenants were thought to literally come back from the grave, so they had to be kept there. Ways to do that would have been to put stones on them, cut off their heads, tie them up or stake them...  
> Think zombies, vampires or the Headless Horseman from Sleepy Hollow or the Draugr in Scandinavian myths, it’s all sort of rooted in the same superstition that sometimes the dead don’t want to be dead and will instead return. It’s a very old belief that seems to have started in prehistoric times and still exists today, at least in certain parts of the world - and before you ask, definitely also in the so-called civilized parts of it. In the more remote mountain areas of Germany some people still put certain herbs into coffins so the dead will get sleepy and not think about waking up… It’s all very interesting and fascinating to read about, so I recommend a google. It’s also very cool to find a revenant on a dig and it will definitely get a bit of public attention!


	3. Chapter 3

The next day most of the burials have been documented and salvaged and the skeletons are now residing within the office, each in its own box, safely and orderly stored and packed. Sergio is not in a box, he’s residing on his very own table, laid out with all his bones in their proper, anatomically correct spots. There’s the official label next to the skeleton too, it says ‘Feature 4’ in Leo’s nice, tidy handwriting, and right over it is scribbled ‘SERGIO’ in Geri’s sprawling letters. The various nails from the burial’s hands and feet, the pieces of rope and a chain that used to be tying the skeleton’s waist to a big pike are in a box next to him. The stones that used to cover this burial are not in the office, they’re in a big pile outside. Geri is thinking about making the pile his second command hill, but fears it might be too unstable. Also Leo would kill him if he made the students fortify the pile - he has these weird ideas about them being students, not Geri’s personal slaves…

He smiles down at the table full of human bones. They’re nice and clean (Geri did that himself this morning, nobody else could be trusted with his most important discovery!) and very white and shiny. Have they gotten even whiter since Geri removed them from their grave? Ha, that would be weird. It must be a trick of light.

“And anyway,” Geri says out loud and takes the cap of his camera’s lens, “you need to look good for the pictures. I’ll give the press some from when you were still in your grave, but they should see you looking your best too. Nice, white bones, perfect lighting, all set for your photoshoot. You get to be a model, Sergio! Smile!”

The skull _does_ look like it’s smiling. A shiny row of pearly white teeth, canines long and pointy, smiling as wide as only a skull can. Geri grins back and takes pictures. “You’re a natural, yeah, baby, give me that sexy look, come on, let me see you _smoulder_ at the camera… Oh yeah, _baby ,_ that’s how I like it!”

Leo pokes his head through the door. “Geri-”

Geri lets out a high-pitched scream and almost drops the camera in surprise.

Leo stares at him. “What the hell are you doing?!”

“Documenting my very serious and important discovery!” Geri says and scowls, hoping Leo hasn’t heard his scream. “What do you want?”

Leo stares a few seconds more. Then he blinks and sighs impatiently. “I wanted to tell you we might have to shut the dig down for a while. Didn’t you hear the rain? It’s storming like crazy out there and we can’t dig in soil this wet. Not that it matters much, three of our students didn’t show up this morning and several others are talking about how they want to switch to a different dig. Apparently you are ‘impossible to work with’.”

Geri scowls. “That’s just rude. I’m awesome to work with, tell them that. But fine, whatever. Let them take a break, they can continue later. And get some more minions from the uni, there must be some more students who still need course credits.”

“Students, Geri. Not minions.” Leo says with a sigh.

Minions, students, whatever. Geri waves a careless hand. “Go away now, I have a hot guy here who wants me to take naked pictures of him.” Geri cackles like a hyena. “Get it? ‘cause he’s not even wearing his skin anymore!”

Leo rolls his eyes and leaves. Geri laughs a bit longer (he’s so funny), then focuses back on Sergio. “Now, where were we? Ah yes, you were giving me the _sexy_ look…”

He bumps the table when he tries to take a close-up of the skeleton’s torso and the skull shifts, rolling a little to the side. The new angle makes it seem as if Sergio is looking right back at Geri, who grins and waggles his eyebrows. “Oh, you like that, don’t you? Well then, sexy, show me what you’ve got.”

Sergio’s skull looks back at him coyly and smiles its dead smile.

***

The next day the storm is still raging, but Geri doesn’t care. He’s too immersed in cataloguing every single detail he discovers about Sergio’s bones. At some point in his life his shoulder was broken but healed up nicely, there’s a thin, healed hairline fracture in his right ankle too, but the muscle ridges are strong and healthy. Apparently Sergio was indeed a muscular dude, but there’s barely any sign of wear on his joints and his teeth are perfect. No hints of disease or malnourishment either, so he seems to have led a plentiful life... Even the big-ass stones piled on top of him barely did any damage to his bones, which is a bit weird, but well, Sergio was clearly man enough to take the abuse.

Unlike Leo, who keeps harping on about how _Geri should go back outside and do actual archaeology stuff, who does he think he is, playing around with bones all day like some kind of anthropologist_. _Especially since several more students haven’t shown up for work today, Geri should really just be nice to the few remaining ones or there’ll be no more left at all soon when Geri has chased them all away…_

Geri ignores everything Leo says and instead yells at him to bring him a coffee. He and Sergio have _work_ to do. This is supposed to end with Geri’s face (and Sergio’s skull) plastered all over the front pages of all the big archaeology magazines after all. And the newspapers. And maybe even TV. Speeches, conferences, maybe a book deal!

“We’re going to be famous.” Geri tells Sergio once again. “You and me, baby, you’ll see. We belong together, don’t we? I’m so glad I found you…”

Leo, about to enter with Geri’s coffee, stops in his tracks. Geri is _cooing_ at a _skeleton_. Okay, so all archaeologists are a bit crazy... But nothing could ever have prepared him for _this_.

Leo makes a 180 degree turn and walks right back out. Sergio’s mocking smile follows him.


	4. Chapter 4

“What is he doing?” Ansu whispers and tries to look around Leo, who is currently spying on his best friend through the office window.

Leo elbows him gently to get him to back away a bit. Geri is making a fool of himself, he thinks, but he doesn’t say that. The skeleton Geri is so enamoured with is now wearing Geri’s sunglasses, Geri’s necklace and Geri’s wristwatch. A piece of cloth is tastefully covering its bony crotch. Yes, Geri is, indeed, making a fool of himself.

“He’s… documenting his findings.” Leo says slowly. “In a very professional and appropriate manner.”

“Damn it.” Ansu says. “I picked ‘he tries to french-kiss the dead skull’ in the team betting pool.”

Leo stares at him. “You picked what? Why would you think Geri - he’s not _that_ crazy!” He pauses and thinks about it. “Well. Not yet.”

Ansu pouts. “Can I go now? Nobody else but me showed up anyway, so what’s the point in being here, right?”

Leo frowns. “Of course you can’t go. Even if Geri chased everybody else away doesn’t mean you and me can just abandon ship too! We have important work to do, we have _features_ to document.” He looks through the window again. Geri seems to be showing the skeleton the article he’s been writing, the one who he insists will make them both famous and the one Leo keeps saying sounds like it was written by a crazy person. Geri is talking animatedly, apparently reading his article out loud. _Out loud_. To a _skeleton_.

Leo sighs - he gives up. “Alright, let’s go. I’ll take you out to lunch if you promise never to tell a soul that our site director has gone insane.”

Ansu grins. “Deal!”

Leo shakes his head and follows him away from the window.

Inside, Geri presses his article to his chest and wipes away a tear while he imagines how wonderful it will be to finally present Sergio to the world, then wanders off to find the softest brush he can to clean the dust from the bones again. Sergio needs to look _perfect_.

The skeleton lies there patiently and waits for him to return.

***

“Almost time!” Geri tells Sergio, who’s still lying on the table. “Do you think my suit looks okay? I bought it _special_ for today…” He doesn’t wait for an answer. “Of course it looks awesome, it was fucking expensive. But hey, only the best for our big day, right? Okay, so it’s only the local newspaper and the local TV, but it’s a start. We can build from there, oh yes we can…”

He pats his pockets to make sure he has the note cards with his speech, yes, there they are, good. “Shit, I’m nervous. I hope this goes as planned.”

Geri turns around to nervously pace the office. Sergio watches, smiling his smile. “You know, I shouldn’t be nervous. _You’re_ the star here, I just found you. Good thing I did though, huh? I found you and got you out and cleaned you and sorted all your bones and didn’t even mix up your fingers… I don’t think anybody else could treat you as well as I did. They’d be too scared or disgusted! Like these two students who showed up this morning, they were so creeped out by you. They acted like they never saw a dead guy before! And they want to be archaeologists? Seriously. So weird, right? There’s nothing disgusting or creepy about you at all, you’re…” Geri stops to smile down at Sergio. “You’re _special_.”

He frowns suddenly. “Wait, you have a smudge there.”

He licks his finger and wipes the small spot of brown off Sergio’s jaw, then smiles, satisfied. “There, _now_ you’re perfect, darling.”

A noise outside makes him raise his head. “Did you hear that? They must be here now! Awesome! Oh man, I wish Leo was here! But he said he wanted no part in this, can you imagine?” Geri scoffs. “He’s just jealous. _And_ I wish the university could have sent more people, that would have been useful for getting this dig finished even with Leo being a little bitch. But nooo, they decided _not_ to be generous. Least they could have done is give us some more students! Assholes. Well, we’ll just have to make do with the reporters, right? That works too.”

Then there’s a knock on the door - here they are, the press is here, finally. Geri puts on his best smile and opens the door. “Welcome, welcome, please come on in, right through here…”

A small crowd of people enters the room, Geri ushers them all in, grinning happily the whole time. From his spot on the table, Sergio is grinning too, shiny white teeth glinting in the light. The reporters look at him interestedly and murmur amongst themselves.

Geri closes the door and makes his way to stand next to the table, proudly presenting his most special discovery. The reporters look at them, eyebrows raised in polite interest, notepads drawn and ready to listen to what Geri has to say.

He takes a deep breath, then looks down at the table. “Ready, darling?” He asks and smiles at Sergio.

“Ready, babe.” Sergio says and sits up, showing a row of sharp, pointy teeth, then lunges straight for the nearest reporter’s jugular, sinking his fangs into it.

Geri sighs contently and leans against the wall while he watches Sergio tear through the reporters. It’s messy, it’s a complete bloodbath, and he’ll definitely have to clean Sergio again afterwards. But hey, it’ll be worth it, right?

After all, Sergio really _is_ special.


End file.
